Friday, 27 July 2018

Addiction

It's not an addiction
Yes, my heart races, sweat breaks out and I flush
These aren't withdrawal symptoms
They just feel that way

I am not looking for a fix
Or anyone to fix me
I do not stand here to declare that I am broken
I do not fear that alone I am meaningless
Although by your scoreboard of life
Assorted friends, career and wife
Doubtless you think my world empty

You chose them well
A job you can't lose
A wife accustomed to cheating partners
Friends whose worth you measure by how they increase your popularity
Unconscious of the kindness that makes them

And I
Alone with my cat
Crushed into a tiny flat
Adoring a man half a world away
Who barely knows I exist
Ploughing my little income into nothing
If your thoughts ever turn my way
I suspect you feel triumphant

Do not be deceived
I am not a victim in this scene
My freedom was hard won and I will never give in
My own Joan
Proud martyr to my cause

One day I awoke to discover
All I felt
Heart racing, skin flushing, sweaty
Was trapped
Afraid
It's not an addiction
It just feels that way

Now I am in love
Not blind idolatry
Pouring forth until I am wrung out
A husk hurled from the thresher, full of goodness but of no worth

I am in love with me
Not you
I admire you
That's all

And why?
For all your beauty you know appearance is irrelevant
For all your privilege you support equality
For all your intelligence you don't equate idiots and fools
For all your faults, you're a romantic at heart

And I do not stand here waiting for you
You orbit beyond my reach
I stand here to enjoy the view
To partake of your offerings when I can
And I can stop
At any moment

Your smile speeds my heart
Careless flirting causes sweat patches
A casual compliment makes me blush
You are not an addiction
You just feel that way
Sometimes

Thursday, 12 July 2018

Love hurts

Love hurts ferociously
Rampaging
Like the dance of a newborn star
Swirling savage lights across the sky
Tearing the world apart
Knowing it can't be forever

Love hurts in loneliness
Isolated and silent
Knowing that it hurts you
To know I suffer

Love cries in the darkness
Because you are suffering
Because you deserve so much better
Because you are leaving

Love hurts
It hurts so much to be apart
It hurts to see you
White and drawn
It hurts to know you suffer

Love will smile
Love will be a light in darkness
Love will hold your hand
Love will not forget you
And love will hurt

[For Mum, in memory of Dad]
A