Sunday, 25 February 2018

Please help me Josh

Dear Josh

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I doubt you're aware of my existence, but I became a fan/ developed a humongous crush on you after my marriage fell apart (proof here) 5 or 6 years ago.

The other night I was taking a bath1 (which isn't, of itself, a sufficiently rare occurrence to warrant a blog post), reflecting on the failed relationships I've had2 and realised I'm officially too old for this shit. I'm mid thirties, I have a cat and my hair is a different colour every couple of months. It's only a matter of time before I become "that woman". What I need is a relationship that saves me from my otherwise inevitable collection of teapots, and I don't see it happening with any guy I randomly stumble across at work3.

Now, I'm not exactly an expert on advanced science - I've never so much as spliced a gene - but I've watched a lot of Star Trek and I'm confident I can combine lessons from The Masterpiece Society4 and Search for Spockto create the perfect man.

I have the necessity which drives invention and if Sheldon Cooper can create glow in the dark goldfish, I'm pretty sure I can rebuild Genesis and use it to accelerate the growth of a life form. It may seem like a lot of work for a date, but the alternative is going back on OK Cupid and I'm so not in the mood.

As a smart man, I'm sure you've realised the missing element: the basis of the life form.

Unfortunately, through no fault of your own, you are now probably the longest lasting romantic interest in my somewhat dubious history6. It occurs to me that it would be a simple matter to create an embryo and replace its DNA with your own. Once that exists, it should only take a few seconds and a couple of earthquakes to bring my little abomination of science to his late thirties, thereby providing me with a relationship without impacting on your personal time.

With regards to your contribution: I don't want to ask for a hair sample, because ripping hair out by your roots seems to be asking too much, and I'd never take joy from your dog by asking for an old shoe. It seems the only reasonable request is for a sweaty t-shirt from you, which will hopefully contain some viable epithelial cells7.

We've already discussed how my success is dependant upon the genesis project and I suspect you're curious as to my current progress with it. I admit, I've not got accelerated terraformation figured out yet, but with international posting I reckon I won 't receive the t-shirt for three to four months. That's plenty of time.

I look forward to your aid in this matter.


1 - I promise this post isn't about my personal hygiene
2 - In my defence, no two of my relationships have ended for the same reason.
3 - I work at a college. It would be illegal with most of them, and with the few remaining it would be a bad idea.
4 - The episode where a planet with a genetically superior human race was saved when Geordie observed that his visor would fix their problems. The "superior" race were surprised that such innovation had come from the outsiders, and Geordie's response was essentially that they'd never had blind people, so never needed to develop this technology.
5 - In which Spock's body grew from 0 to 53 over the course of a couple of earthquakes, while his soul was squatting in Dr McCoy's head.
6 - Admittedly this success may be attributed more to the lack of physical proximity or communication between us than to any actual compatibility.
7 - I also watch basically every forensic detective show known to man except CSI. I don't have anything against it, I just can't find the enthusiasm.

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