Friday, 31 March 2017

Do you believe in fairies?

Once upon a time there was a little girl who believed in fairies. She sang made up songs, danced where everyone could see her and was very happy.

As she grew up she learned that it is important to do good things for other people and so she listened to what other people wanted.

Other people wanted her to stop being so embarrassing. To stop being so spotty. To stop wearing a bra. To start wearing a bra. To lose weight, to gain weight, to not have a nipple outline on a cold day.

As she tried to make other people happy, she grew slowly more closed off and afraid of accidentally doing something to make people unhappy.

She found friends. Real friends, but she was still trying to make them happy, so she pretended. Some of the time.

She set out on her own and decided she would try to make herself happy too.

That worked for a while.

Then it really didn't work and making other people happy became all-consuming.

This story has a happy ending. The little girl had a crisis. A traumatic episode where everything was darkness and pain and other people finally started telling the truth about what was needed to make them happy and how far her responsibility went.

Some years later, she still has difficulty with that, but she has good friends and caring people around her.

She sings made up songs in front of people. She dances in the supermarket, where everyone can see her. And although she no longer believes in fairies, she really, *really* wants to.

She can be happy. Very, very soon.

Tuesday, 28 March 2017

Black hole rising

Stare into the coffee cup
Tendrils of steam stretch up
enchain you
Promise you sweet life, energy and release

As you are drawn in the steam thickens
Stretching up
Squeezing in
Through ears, nostrils, eyeballs
All those little crevices
to pull you down
Out of your self
Into the murky depths

Drink it
It will make you feel better
It will
Trust it

You are OK
If you drink it
And carry on

Wednesday, 22 March 2017

I'm unhappy.

I'm doing everything. Everything that might need doing. Apart from sorting out the shares situation. Other than that, I'm being more productive than you might think possible. And then I stop and the voice inside starts screaming into the abyss and if I don't start again it becomes unbearable. So I start and go and go and go until I can't and then the screaming starts and I have to keep going to get away and I can't

I just can't

It should be so easy. How hard can it be to stop? But there's no off button. It's go. Always go. Always on. Be the best, do your best, fix everything, make it better and for God's sake don't let it get you down because then you fall in.

And how bad would that really be? Well, I don't know, but I know my survival instinct and that is what is making me go. I'm guessing it would be bad to ignore that.

I don't know if it's the worst part, or even if it's possible to rate things from best to worst any more, but there is something I'm becoming more aware of and I don't enjoy it. I'm either really *really* violently intense emotions, or nothing at all. I can simulate stuff - you know, in a conversation I can laugh and cry and chatter and be silly, but when I walk away I'm completely untouched. And then I start with the emotions and it's jaw achingly intense. I hurt. I cry. I feel intense... like *super* intense pride and self justification.  I just used intense three times in two sentences (4 in 3) and I think that's fairly indicative.

Right now I'm emotional (writing triggers it) and all I can say

All I can say

With all of these words at my disposal...

I'm so unbelievably unhappy. Not sad. Well, yes, sad. But sad about things. Not overwhelming sadness. Overwhelming unhappiness. And I feel like if I just do enough stuff maybe I get to be happy again. And now I'm sobbing at work because I know I'll never ever ever be happy again. Which is illogical. It can't be true. But it's all I feel.

I can't fix me. I didn't get the manual.

Thursday, 16 March 2017

Getting there

I'm exhausted all the time. Last night I ploughed through a whole pile of official paperwork I should have done ages ago and posted it off today. I missed dinner and was exhausted after a long day. Today I'm determined to get my gym induction done. I'm still exhausted but I feel obliged to.

Get it done now.

I guess the subtext is: While you still have time.

I hope everything comes through ok. I'm currently finding it difficult to keep wading on through. The world feels thicker than normal and days are putting up more resistance.

Need to exercise more, eat more healthily and be creative while still excelling at my job and supporting my family as much as I can.

Some things are their own reward, so I don't include them (I've been puzzling and reading *hard* lately, but some people consider those "brain training") and of course catching up on TV when all else is done.

But right now, I need to go excel at work.


Wednesday, 8 March 2017

It's going to hurt

I've been off work for over a month. I had 2.5 weeks of sick leave, then turned up for Thursday and Friday during half term (at which point it was impossible for me to do more than check my emails - seriously; my team were all away and I was afraid of starting anything major because I knew I'd have to leave soon) and mid Friday afternoon I got the message.

I disappeared for another two weeks.

And now I'm here and I'm almost up to date with what my team are doing and the college are doing and my external projects and there's some part of me that's standing back screaming "I'm not ready! I don't want to do this! It's going to hurt!"

And today? Today, that part is in charge.

It's going to hurt and I'm not ready for more pain.

I'm not sure I have another option.