My hurting heart

My heart hurts
I don't want to let it
I want to hold it in submission
It should only be a muscle
flexing inexorably
shunting blood through my body

But when I think
When  I stop to reflect
It seizes.

No longer a gelatinous thumping mass
Instead
a walnut, hard and shrunken
All of a sudden

That feeling of hollow emptiness where it should reside
Painful tension where it it too small to function
Dry pain where every beat is an effort

All of a sudden

It hurts, my heart.
It is crying out in pain
Because it does not want to let you go.

And so I
To avoid the hurting heart
Live like I'm not losing you
I wake up and go to work
I chat about my holiday
I let time pass unmarked
Knowing that, despite this
the countdown keeps ticking
until the day
my hurting heart can no longer be suppressed