Fuck you fucking fucks

I'm fine. I just want to be angry.

Not "I'm angry and choosing fucking fucks as my target". Simply; I'm not angry. I want to be angry. I want to be past this sense of numbing inevitability that tells me no matter what I do or how I try day by day the world is going to get worse and closer to being the worst it's ever been until the day I wake up and my Dad is dead and I've lost the chance to be angry enough to find new ways to fight.

I want to be angry and useful and instead I'm just sat here dripping.

Fucking fucks.

I want to die

There are days I want to die.

I don't want to kill myself, I just want to be dead and not have to feel or think or work or try or take responsibility or ....

I want it all to stop. To freeze-frame. Forever. Without the pressure of having to come back and do it better next time.

I want it all to be over.

I want to die.

Dripping

Dripping is my new way of life

Endless sniffing

Leaky eyes

I swear my bladder wants in on the action

It comes in surges,

Takes me by surprise

Worries my lovely colleagues

Leaving me dehydrated

Just in time for more coffee

Another bathroom visit

More unexpected tears

Drip drip drop

Little springtime shower

Never watching Bambi again.

Nightmare scream

It is the nightmare scream that pours forth

Mouth agape

body fighting

from every molecule

screaming

Screaming

Rejection

Repulsion

Terror

Hatred

Fury

Denial

Futility

All of the stages of pain

All in one nightmare scream

Torn from my shaking form

Screaming

Screaming as the pain hits

Tears flow

Hot, coursing down cheeks

breathing unchecked by sobs

shaking

screaming

Screaming

Finally, sobbing

Finally growling

Finally audible

Finally 

The nightmare scream

No-one can hear 

It won't stop

It will only drown in sorrow