Friday, 20 January 2017

Fuck you fucking fucks

I'm fine. I just want to be angry.

Not "I'm angry and choosing fucking fucks as my target". Simply; I'm not angry. I want to be angry. I want to be past this sense of numbing inevitability that tells me no matter what I do or how I try day by day the world is going to get worse and closer to being the worst it's ever been until the day I wake up and my Dad is dead and I've lost the chance to be angry enough to find new ways to fight.

I want to be angry and useful and instead I'm just sat here dripping.

Fucking fucks.

Thursday, 19 January 2017

I want to die

There are days I want to die.

I don't want to kill myself, I just want to be dead and not have to feel or think or work or try or take responsibility or ....

I want it all to stop. To freeze-frame. Forever. Without the pressure of having to come back and do it better next time.

I want it all to be over.

I want to die.

Wednesday, 18 January 2017

Dripping

Dripping is my new way of life

Endless sniffing
Leaky eyes
I swear my bladder wants in on the action

It comes in surges,
Takes me by surprise
Worries my lovely colleagues
Leaving me dehydrated
Just in time for more coffee
Another bathroom visit
More unexpected tears

Drip drip drop
Little springtime shower

Never watching Bambi again.

Monday, 16 January 2017

Nightmare scream

It is the nightmare scream that pours forth
Mouth agape
body fighting
from every molecule
screaming

Screaming

Rejection
Repulsion
Terror
Hatred
Fury
Denial
Futility

All of the stages of pain
All in one nightmare scream

Torn from my shaking form
Screaming
Screaming as the pain hits

Tears flow
Hot, coursing down cheeks
breathing unchecked by sobs
shaking
screaming

Screaming

Finally, sobbing
Finally growling
Finally audible
Finally 

The nightmare scream
No-one can hear 
It won't stop
It will only drown in sorrow