Wednesday, 30 November 2016

Grief

Most of the time I'm fine
It's not that I don't care
It's that 
I can't make myself keep hurting

Most of the time I know
But I can sideline it
Because
I'm losing you but you're not gone yet

Some of the time

Some of the time it takes me like an avalanche
I'm driving and a group of hospices 
Are releasing a Christmas song
About a loss
I sing along until
My breath
Heaving in and out 
Can no longer choke the slightest sound
Until the traffic ahead is blurry
And there is a part of me
That realises now is a bad time

Some of the time it makes me breathless
I'm building you a forever gift
In defiance of the futility
And as I finish
The Christmas film on TV reaches its crescendo
As all the little children
Celebrate the wishes they have been granted
And I cannot cry
I can only stop
And wait

Alicia

Monday, 28 November 2016

I am

Don't think for a moment
That I'll apologise
Don't think I feel badly about this
Don't feel, in any way,
As though you are entitled
To shut me up

Don't feel like I'm too loud
Too brash
Too bold faced
Or arrogant

I'm not full of myself
I'm not egotistical
I'm not self centered
Or self aggrandising

No, none of this.

I am
I am beautiful
I am smart
I am fun
I am sexy
I am pedantic
I am creative
I am
I am all of this and more

And I will not apologise for knowing
I will not be sorry for sharing
Or for letting you know
I love myself

You haven't met me
We don't share acquaintances
And you might feel
I am not

But you, my sweet, you do not know me.

I assure you

I am.

I am the greatest bucket of iced water that will never be poured on your head
I am the most delicious stinky cheese you will never be able to nibble
I am the smokiest whiskey that will never burn your throat with alcohol fumes
I am the flirtiest succubus that will never tear out your soul

I am
And I am not sorry

I am not sorry that you will never believe me
I am not sorry that you cannot approve of me
I am not

I am.
I always will be.

I give you leave to spend your life buried in a safe still-water haven.
I will be here
In the spray of raging oceans
In the force of the winds
In the resilient earth
In the sting of the flame
I will be here,
In the midst of it all
Under the onslaught
And I shall still
And always will
Be
Only
Me

Alicia