Monday, 12 September 2016

Isolation

Some days
I want nothing more than to be left alone

I can't yell or scream
I can't tell you to get the hell away
But I want to
I want to tell you that I need time
I need time where I'm not gearing myself up
I need space where I don't have to worry about my impact on others
I need a life, briefly, where I can be all about me for a time
And I hate myself for it

On my way to reclusive safety
I feel the presence of every stranger I pass
their selves bulging past the limits of their clothing
Clustering around
choking me like the stench of unwashed gym kits

I'm stopped by a friend
I want nothing more
Than to punch them and run
Just to be left alone
I smile, laugh and chat

We part and I fall back
Into myself
Behind my defenses
The meagre shields crumbling before the incessant onslaught as the surging mass of individuals gets bigger and louder and I am smaller and more fragile and I cannot bear this any more.

I am home.
I am safe.
I need not talk for a time.
I need not be.
And in my blessed isolation I am free.

I am not lonely, you fool.
I am an introvert.

A