Thursday, 24 December 2015

You don't see

You don't see. You think you do, I can see it in your self satisfied smugness. You have experienced all life has to offer and you know all about everything worth knowing about. And yet you are blind.


Oh dear, you think, she's being dramatic again. I wonder if I should point out...


Yes I'm getting dramatic. Right here, right now, I feel great. I feel safe, relaxed and comfortable and I am being dramatic. I am so comfortable, secure and happy that I'm telling you the truth about a feeling that has passed.


The feeling is frustration. The source is you.


You pay attention to the things I show, sure. But, and here's the important part, you filter it through the assumption that I am always happy, safe and comfortable enough to expose my deepest pain to you at the point I'm feeling it.


You never stop to think when I tell you matters as much as what I tell you.


Here is the truth. I am dramatic when it can't hurt me to be. Some things are dramatic. And they hurt. Do you know how I deal with them? Did you figure it out yet?


Denial.


Outright denial. I was traumatised by seeing the true impact of carnivores in nature. I became vegetarian for years until that memory stopped hurting. I didn't tell my parents that my husband and I separated for over a month after it happened. I didn't tell my best friend for much longer. I just didn't acknowledge it, despite the real evidence I dealt with daily.


I'm not good at confrontation. I know that. I do it, I'm not afraid of it, but every fibre of my being is geared to flight. That's who I am.


So ask yourself this: Why did I need to be dramatic? Was it because I was safe with you? Or because I recovered from my fear and became independent?


Follow up question: Which would you prefer to be true?