Thursday, 31 December 2015

This year in review

It's been fucking awesome.

I can't even remember the vast majority, but there have been opportunities that I have really gone for and were worth it. More than worth it!

I spent a weekend in California. Who does that? Lots of jet lag, more money than I could afford, but I got to be with a really good group of friends at a really exciting time.

I walked almost the whole Cotswold Way. 20 miles to go, and it's been great!

I got very fit. It was brief, but it was great. And now I know I can do it, I'm going to do it again. And this time it will last longer.

I broke up with my boyfriend, but we remained friends. I did that twice in 2015 - once right at the start and once at the end (ish). This is worth doing because the men I met these days are wonderful, even if we are incompatible.

I tried rock climbing. I now know I love it and abseiling.

I lost a little creativity to stress and work, and my health took a knock, but overall it's been a wonderful year and I'm very happy.

Next year is going to be pretty awesome too. My to do list looks very exciting!


Sunday, 27 December 2015

Good news... I think

I know my posts lately have been a bit heavy, it's just been an incredibly tough month (or two, or three!) but there is a light.

Among the other stuff I've been worrying about, how I feel about an ex of mine is one of them. I've written a few pieces over the last year about this that are scheduled to appear early 2016, but the basic gist is that I've cared far too much about this one guy.

Today I saw a Facebook post of his. It heavily implies he has a girlfriend. I felt a twinge of jealousy, but no gut wrenching, stabbing fear, envy, despair, etc.

I think, at the very least, I've accepted there is nothing there, even if I've not yet fully moved on. I'm going to be happy for him, while I'm a tiny bit jealous for me.

Of course, for the last month I've become gradually more obsessed with the potential negative outcomes of my hospital visit (it's looming ever closer) and trying to figure out why they could possibly want more blood after reviewing my results from the previous one. It may be that I've run out of space in my head for things to really care about.

By the way; I'm getting physically sick again. I'm afraid this will mean I have problems for the next few days. What a way to spend a holiday.

Thursday, 24 December 2015

You don't see

You don't see. You think you do, I can see it in your self satisfied smugness. You have experienced all life has to offer and you know all about everything worth knowing about. And yet you are blind.

Oh dear, you think, she's being dramatic again. I wonder if I should point out...

Yes I'm getting dramatic. Right here, right now, I feel great. I feel safe, relaxed and comfortable and I am being dramatic. I am so comfortable, secure and happy that I'm telling you the truth about a feeling that has passed.

The feeling is frustration. The source is you.

You pay attention to the things I show, sure. But, and here's the important part, you filter it through the assumption that I am always happy, safe and comfortable enough to expose my deepest pain to you at the point I'm feeling it.

You never stop to think when I tell you matters as much as what I tell you.

Here is the truth. I am dramatic when it can't hurt me to be. Some things are dramatic. And they hurt. Do you know how I deal with them? Did you figure it out yet?


Outright denial. I was traumatised by seeing the true impact of carnivores in nature. I became vegetarian for years until that memory stopped hurting. I didn't tell my parents that my husband and I separated for over a month after it happened. I didn't tell my best friend for much longer. I just didn't acknowledge it, despite the real evidence I dealt with daily.

I'm not good at confrontation. I know that. I do it, I'm not afraid of it, but every fibre of my being is geared to flight. That's who I am.

So ask yourself this: Why did I need to be dramatic? Was it because I was safe with you? Or because I recovered from my fear and became independent?

Follow up question: Which would you prefer to be true?

Friday, 4 December 2015

For those days

For those days when you've just had enough of the stupid.

A while back I saw a post on some form of social media bemoaning the fact that once upon a time age and wisdom were respected while now youth and beauty are revered.

Now don't get me wrong, I understand the sentiment. Certainly age and wisdom are worth more than youth and beauty. If I had to choose between being stuck on a desert island with an immature hottie, or with a mature individual with common sense, practical experience and a sense of social responsibility it wouldn't take even the tiniest of slices of a second to make the choice.

However, let's not kid ourselves that being stuck on a desert island is the only way to quantify the value of something. The principle way of determining value is, in our society, through quantifying its rarity. This can be evidenced through history by the interest we've had in art work and craftsmanship, jewellery, rare metals, stamps etc. We, as a species, like rare things.

And guess what used to be rare, but is increasingly common? Age.

Once, living past forty was rare, past sixty was astonishing and past eighty was unheard of. Even in the last century living to 100 seemed to be about as far as we could get, but look up the oldest person in the world. Before you do, have a guess at how old they are. I bet you underestimated.

Once, to live beyond forty years old gave you a wealth of life experience that was hard to earn and was respected for its rarity. As aging becomes common and we can all reach that, we don't see the knowledge as rare. Instead we see that as we get old, we start to break down, mentally as well as physically. Aging lasts forever.

What is transient is youth.

We are young, and extremely stupid, for a short while. As we grow older and begin to break, we think back to our missed opportunities. We want to relive some part of our youth and do it right. We want to quit smoking, or never to have started. We want to have learned to dance, taken that chance to skydive, tried to hike across China, written that novel.

The people who control our media see young, beautiful people and see their own missed opportunities. They want to capture it before it passes and over the decades this becomes what it is now.

Yes, it's foolish, but don't kid yourself into thinking the reverence we used to feel for age and wisdom was any better informed than our current delight in youth. Christ, do you think the elders who were admired over the centuries were actually all that wise? Or did they get lucky? Did they happen to be immune to that bug, or were they wise enough to eat the right stuff to heal quickly? Did they survive childbirth because they were smart, or just lucky? Were they right about the big man in the sky sending lightening when he was angry, or was it coincidence that they found a cave to hide in instead of under a tree?