Wednesday, 14 January 2015

Nerds

I am a nerd. I'm a romantic, a lover of all things vibrant and good. I listen to music for the stories it tells me and I read books for their ability to let me live a new life for a brief moment.

When I'm alone I talk to myself. The thing I say more than any other is "I love my life." Sometimes it's happy, sometimes it's sad. I love my life. Sometimes it's defensive - I recall a stupid thing I did and I shake my shoulders and insist I love my life.

Thoughts, ideas and dreams chase themselves through my mind in an endless whirl. I can't sleep because I imagine a world where something bad has happened and I can't relax. When I meditate I see my meditating self suspended in a droplet of air surrounded by a vacuum which nothing can reach and every stray thought that breaches the barrier is like an arching bolt tearing through the space and clawing at my droplet. The space lights up spectacularly, over and over, with a kaleidoscope of rainbows destroying the stillness.

I imagine all things with physical sensations. When I think about sex the thing I think of most is the feeling of being held. I think about dancing and I can feel my clothes shifting over my skin as I move. 

I throw myself into things with gusto and determination. I get my own way an unreasonable amount of the time and I like listening to the rain fall.

I don't like to be trapped.

I'm incredibly defensive about my nerdiness, unlike my intelligence, my sensuality or my happiness. The difference was very hard for me to identify for a long time but now I know why.

Everything about me is something that can only be felt by me. Some things can be seen by others but those - height, weight, IQ - they all have agreed measuring devices so one can be ranked according to every other taker of the test.

Nerdiness? Nerdiness is visible and wholly subjective. And where everyone who wants to be the smartest has to live or die by the rule of IQ and everyone who wants to be 6 feet tall has to submit to the measuring tape, anyone who wants to be the biggest nerd just has to tell everyone else they are less nerdy.

I'm a nerd. I'm used to being a high-performer so I sort of expect in the bell curve I'm in the top 20%. I am definitely not out on the trailing end, but I'm high enough to qualify. Now I just need to devise a measure to prove it and no one can argue.

Alicia