Saturday, 15 February 2014

I don't know how my brain works sometimes

I'm in love.

I'm in love with three people, and not one of them exists.

I'm in love with a man who makes me feel all kinds of fire, passion and thrill. He makes me feel safe, vulnerable, strong and respected. He trusts me in a way I never knew I was lacking.

He doesn't exist.

I'm in love with a man who makes me feel like I've met someone I can balance with. Someone whose intelligence and sense of fun doesn't surprise me, who is matched so well he has always been there. He challenges me and knows me. He is engaged with me in a way I never knew a guy could be.

He doesn't exist.

I'm in love with the woman who would leap through the fire of my doubts for either of these men. The woman who would take the risk and find them in the world and tear open the fantasy just to find out if it could be true.

She doesn't exist.

The two men are the fantasies to fulfill either side of my brain - I figured that much out immediately. I want a guy who can be - IS - both sides of this ideal. 

The woman is who I want to be. Every story I've tried to force out of myself recently has been about one of these two men and this woman. This passionate, risk taking, emotionally reckless woman. I'm not her. Aside from anything else I can't cast aside the understanding of the repercussions that are caused by everything I say and/ or do and take a risk knowing it could hurt someone else. I really want to be selfish. I want to not care how much  I may hurt others in seeking my own satisfaction in life because apparently I believe that's the quicker route to happiness.

What I don't know is: why now? Why am I now fantasising about big dramatic displays of affection that cement in the eyes of the world that I have reached some pinnacle? I've been single for a while - why do I suddenly feel I have something to prove?

Alicia