Thursday, 23 January 2014

Mr Darcy

Dear Josh,

I can't help noticing that while you've sold multi-million copies of your albums, a very small percentage of those were in the UK. Actually, that's an assumption based on the places I've seen your albums being retailed, the absence of Josh Groban fan-chandise in stores generally, etc. and I got to wondering why. After all, if One Direction can make it everywhere, surely there's space in the global consciousness for a soloist?

As a result of my cogitations, I would like to offer you some free marketing advice:

Release a video of yourself singing while climbing out of a lake wearing a light cotton button-up shirt and tight trousers.

You're welcome.

I just checked and my phone line is still working so as it's not ringing off the hook from your endeavours to express your gratitude, am I to assume you don't understand the value of this information?

In 1995, the BBC produced a mini series, a new version of Pride and Prejudice. For six weeks the entire nation was gripped by the story, the action, the men in tight trousers and the repressed sexuality of it all. In the first three weeks we were titillated with manly men doing manly things but other than a single scene of bathing, everyone was covered in several layers of starchy clothing. There was lots of passion, but kept tightly buttoned up, just as we Brits like it. The apex of this... this formality overlaying a poorly concealed desire to just rip each others clothes off came in week four when we were treated to the following and women across the country fell in droves to the smouldering sexuality of Colin Firth climbing out of a lake.

3.3 million views indicates this is still popular and I think it's just possible you might be able to make this more effective, but we'll have to see how many waves of collapsing females you induce.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have about 9 hours of BBC Pride and Prejudice to catch up on.


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