Dear Josh
Let's not beat about
the bush. We both know what is going on here.
10 months ago I gave you fair and honest warning of my crush on you. Anticipating that you would be as unenthusiastic at the prospect of a drooling femme geek stalking your Twitter account as I was, I offered you a really
easy out – simply by announcing some dastardly flaw in your
personality you would be free of my adoration. Alternatively, you could
relinquish your single status. It didn't even have to be for long!
Just long enough for me to get distracted so that by the time I seek
my own relationship in 2014 I'm over this ridiculous infatuation.
Yet
somehow a handsome, talented, intelligent, sensitive man with a
fantastic sense of humour who is still too young to be referred to as
having reached (in the oddly euphemistic phrase) the “prime of his
life” has managed to remain single for the entirety of 2013 to
date.
To give credit where
it's due - I couldn't help but notice your plea for a dating service
that matches people up in December: it's reassuring to see that
you're taking this situation seriously. However, I do feel compelled
to hint that you might have left it dangerously close. By finding
yourself a lady friend earlier in the year you could have nipped my
passion in the bud and simultaneously enlivened your touring
experience.
Unfortunately, it has
to be admitted that due to your delay in finding a suitable mate,
this crush of mine has reached a rather unpleasant stage. While
looking for a photo of you to include in my Christmas newsletter (a
significant portion of which shall be dedicated to your inexplicable
failure to set yourself up as a happily married father of three in
the last ten months) I entered “Josh Groban pictures” into the
search engine and before I pressed Go, I couldn't help but notice
that the first option was “Josh Groban pictures shirtless”. To my
everlasting shame... Oh dear. I can't even admit it on the internet.
I'll leave you to
extrapolate from context.
Just... Don't
extrapolate too far, I'm not that crazy.
In summary: you need to
stop being everything I'm looking for in a male. Please? I mean,
really. Please. You're screwing up my potential relationships and I
don't appreciate it.
Alicia
This blog post was
brought to you by the thesaurus.com page of synonyms for
“infatuation”.
