The deadline is looming

Dear Josh

Let's not beat about the bush. We both know what is going on here.

10 months ago I gave you fair and honest warning of my crush on you. Anticipating that you would be as unenthusiastic at the prospect of a drooling femme geek stalking your Twitter account as I was, I offered you a really easy out – simply by announcing some dastardly flaw in your personality you would be free of my adoration. Alternatively, you could relinquish your single status. It didn't even have to be for long! Just long enough for me to get distracted so that by the time I seek my own relationship in 2014 I'm over this ridiculous infatuation. 

Yet somehow a handsome, talented, intelligent, sensitive man with a fantastic sense of humour who is still too young to be referred to as having reached (in the oddly euphemistic phrase) the “prime of his life” has managed to remain single for the entirety of 2013 to date.

To give credit where it's due - I couldn't help but notice your plea for a dating service that matches people up in December: it's reassuring to see that you're taking this situation seriously. However, I do feel compelled to hint that you might have left it dangerously close. By finding yourself a lady friend earlier in the year you could have nipped my passion in the bud and simultaneously enlivened your touring experience.

Unfortunately, it has to be admitted that due to your delay in finding a suitable mate, this crush of mine has reached a rather unpleasant stage. While looking for a photo of you to include in my Christmas newsletter (a significant portion of which shall be dedicated to your inexplicable failure to set yourself up as a happily married father of three in the last ten months) I entered “Josh Groban pictures” into the search engine and before I pressed Go, I couldn't help but notice that the first option was “Josh Groban pictures shirtless”. To my everlasting shame... Oh dear. I can't even admit it on the internet.

I'll leave you to extrapolate from context.

Just... Don't extrapolate too far, I'm not that crazy.

In summary: you need to stop being everything I'm looking for in a male. Please? I mean, really. Please. You're screwing up my potential relationships and I don't appreciate it.

Alicia

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