Tuesday, 31 December 2013

Josh Groban's flaw.

Dear Josh

This is my last communication of 2013. I feel it is important to do it now and begin the new year with a clean slate. You see, I haven't been completely honest with you. Over the last year I have told you many times of the urgent need for you to develop a flaw and obliterate my rather tiresome crush on you, freeing us both to live our respective lives in happy oblivion1.

And now the truth.

*deep breath*

I've been very flippant about terminating my crush because I never took it very seriously. It seems to be a symptom of my single state and it will inevitably pass - as I thought - because all along you have had a massive flaw. One single blip, which to some people would be nothing at all or, at the worst, a surmountable issue. To me it's always been an absolute certain sign that there is no way my interest in you would ever last.

You need to be aware I am a very strong individual. Physically I'm quite pathetic. Emotionally, spiritually, mentally and in every other way that counts I am strong. I'm also deeply passionate. I have very strong beliefs and I will argue for them long and hard2. I'd like to add another footnote here3.

The point here is that I will flatten anyone who is less formidable than myself. 

What I need from a partner is someone who can understand my depth of passion and fervent support of a position. Someone who can meet me halfway and participate in a friendly wrangle over something insignificant. This is why I look for geek men: they're smart, passionate, driven and can understand my personality. But geeky isn't enough: I also need someone who has the strength of character to stand up to me. 

Idiotic crushes on timid guys will always go nowhere because a good 70% of my mind is unable to let go of the knowledge that should we ever meet, within five minutes I would be utterly disinterested at best and frustrated at worst.

Until this Christmas holiday I had never seen you enter the fray. You seem to let everything flow over you, you don't get angry or annoyed and you were clearly labelled as timid4. It seemed vaguely odd given the intensity you put into your music but you don't seem to get personally involved in anything - which is totally your call and keep on being whatever you want to be - but that lack of fire was all I needed to know that I wasn't really into you.

And then, when I was busy being an introvert in a full house I went to your tweet list and came across a gem that blew my mind and utterly screwed me over. You called someone a lying sack of donkey poop and told them to get bent.

Dear boy, you and I have a problem. OK, so *I* have a problem. You just have yet another screaming fangirl.

You  know what my problem is? It sucks being single and it sucks even more measuring every man I meet up against a ridiculous ideal and finding them wanting. Please get a girlfriend - that will always make you cease to exist on my plane of awareness. Alternatively, publicise a flaw. It isn't necessarily going to be something that everyone will hate, but it's got to be something to dissuade me.

I get that this isn't your fault, but I would appreciate your help nevertheless. 



1 I acknowledge that this won't alter your life whatsoever.
2 To balance this, I do also have the ability and inclination to - in Tim Minchin's words - "spin on a fucking dime" if someone makes a point I haven't previously considered which is why I haven't yet alienated everyone I've ever met.
3 There was one instance where a similar minded chap and I began to discuss web browsers and our differing opinions on the efforts you should go when designing a website to support IE. We were both in relationships and our respective significant others were horrified at the vehemence we each employed. After almost half an hour we came to some conclusion and went off to have a drink with no ill will. 
4 Even though that's not a bad thing, I feel compelled to apologise. I'm British, so that probably accounts for it. Sorry. 

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