Thursday, 8 August 2013

In which I am torn

Oh boy.

OK, I'm going to take what is, for me, one helluva risk.

I know not many people actually read this blog, but I don't know who the people reading it are (except one: hi, Olli *waves*). You could be my friends, you could be my family, you could be complete strangers. Regardless, up until now I have been completely comfortable with absolutely anyone reading everything I've written here.

Now, right now, with this, I'm not sure I'm comfortable with anyone reading it. Especially when the anyone could be my ex, my new guy (you know, three months down the line when I want him to be interested in my writing) or a potential guy who stumbles across this and... I'm just not comfortable, OK?

And I don't do something when I see tangled up in its aura so many far reaching negative consequences and so few positive.

But here and now, I am going to give it a go. And it's precisely *because* I'm so uncomfortable with it that I feel I must.

I made a decision that I was going to be single throughout 2013.

I decided not to date at all, because I know myself and as I know as soon as I find a guy I am interested in dating, I will become interested in trying for a relationship and will lose my single status without surviving a year alone.

Additionally, when my boyfriend broke up with me on New Years Day I was left with a lot of uncertainty. I didn't know what I wanted, who I was, whether it was a bad relationship: I knew nothing. And right now; I'm still confused about him. Although I'm very sure about everything else that seems to matter, I don't know if I want to have a second chance with him.

I knew I wanted a date for New Years Eve this year and, undeniably amazing as I am, I'm neither irresistible nor well connected enough to get a blind date on New Years Eve. I mean, how would you go about that?

So it made sense to sign up to a dating site. And without any concept of who would be available, what the usual time frame is, etc, I had no idea how much time I would need. so I signed up in about May or June when I felt comfortable doing so.

I looked around for a month or so and realised I needed to be paying to get any use out of it. But the available men seemed promising so I thought I'd pay up and see what sort of contact I got. Well, I've already ranted about that, so here's the other side of it.

I'm now in the position where I've met the first of three guys.

He's attractive, intelligent, creative, close to his family, has good friendships, takes his job seriously and generally ticks the majority of my boxes. Worst of all, I'm interested in seeing him again. As an add on: he's mentioned that I'm the only woman he's emailing and that, to me, suggests he may be interested in bringing this forward a little more quickly than the average online dater.

I'm meeting two other guys this weekend, one of whom I know is going precisely nowhere but he's a nice guy and I'd like to meet him anyway. The other I genuinely have no idea about.

I'm still caught up in the confusion surrounding my ex because although I know logically he fails to tick some of my boxes, it's precisely the same quantity as Guy number 1, they're just different ones.

In short: I do not want to be in a relationship with anyone in 2013. I do not know if I want a relationship with my ex. I do NOT under any circumstances want to be in a relationship with one guy while wondering about a possible relationship with another.

So my problem is quite simple. If I keep seeing guy number 1 and nothing bad happens, I'll be in a relationship position far earlier than I'd like and I'd *still* be wondering about my ex. If I explain this to guy number 1 he'd (and I don't blame him for this at all, I'd do the same which is why I expect it of him) run a mile. If I don't explain it, what do I do if I find myself in the position of having to choose between "relationship" status, or explaining all of this?

Bear in mind that in with a chance guy may also cause this dilemma, if guy number 1 fails to. Similarly, if all three guys crash and burn, I've still got 3-4 months of online dating before the ideal Meet Someone -> New Years Eve -> Relationship time-frame is reached.

You know what would be awesome? If I got a [IMPORTANT EDIT] Business class [END EDIT] plane ticket to Vegas1 for New Years Eve from a secret admirer. Then I could just tell every guy I go out with that I have a date for New Years Eve and they won't pressure me - especially if they're perfect.

Of course, I'd then have to decide whether to risk it all by meeting a secret "admirer" in a foreign country at one of the riskiest times of the year. Maybe if he sent two tickets - one for me, one for a bodyguard.

If only life's dilemmas could be resolved as easily as the ones I am never going to have to take seriously.

I'll let you know how it goes with IWAC and what happens with GNO. You deserve that much for having persevered this far. I am going to build a perpetual motion machine for this dilemma to drive; it might as well be useful while it's chasing itself around my head like this.

Alicia

PS: Is it wrong to want to meet a guy who just burns all other potential men out of my mind? Is it even worth pretending that the man who could do that actually exists?

1 I honestly have no idea why Vegas. I don't even know if they do NYE in Vegas; I guess they must. Possibly it's because Vegas has lots of nice hotels and the kind of man with money to throw [just gonna put in an edit, brb] at an open plane ticket for a trans-Atlantic holiday-period date would be able to swan around there without anyone caring even the tiniest of amounts.