Friday, 24 May 2013

Bad, Josh! Bad!

Dear Josh,

It's just as well you're fleeing the country tonight. I'm not an advocate of violence, but if your nose was within any kind of reasonable distance I would be marching to the nearest newsagent, buying an actual newspaper (one with some heft, the Times or Guardian maybe), rolling it up and smacking said nose with it.

And don't even think that because your puppy dog eyes have incited this metaphor that I can be swayed by that expression.

How idiotic can you be? I have gone to extreme lengths to warn you of the effect that you lingering in this country will have on my crush and not only do you blithely trot over here whenever you're not actually required to perform somewhere else, but now you casually announce you might be stopping over for a while.

Oh, really? Am I to take it you have *no* sense of responsibility for contributing to keeping me sane? Bad, Josh! Bad!

*sigh* I suppose I could be overreacting and you weren't serious. But when you suggest that you are definitely doing stage work, then don't talk specifics it says to me that although you have a plan in place, you haven't finalized it yet so if your plan was based in the States you wouldn't say you'd prefer being here. Either way: in my world if Google want to hire you you don't publicly announce you'd rather work for Microsoft, even if it is an MSN interview!

Therefore, I suspect you are coming to London to do some West End stuff next year. Probably.

If not, please disregard this tirade.

Otherwise; seriously man. I'm doing my best to get over this daft crush and you are doing absolutely bubkiss to help. I suppose you have some lame excuse like this is your dream, but that isn't particularly helpful to me. You're reducing the physical distance between us by a vast percentage, so how about you just change your whole personality so I'm no longer interested? That would work.

Finally, it is with considerable relief I note that at my inevitable trial I can point out with absolute sincerity that you were the one who followed me around Europe before moving to my island. Although I'm talking the talk, you're definitely stalking the stalk.

Alicia

For those of you who have happened upon this and don't quite know what I'm going on about: