Tuesday, 2 April 2013

Think of the children...

Dear Josh

A few weeks ago I begged you to develop a flaw and, at the time, I promised you several months to do it in. I had calculated that my interest in you would possibly be constant, but more likely would wane, over the next month or so until I see your concert (at which point it would massively spike as these things do).

The situation is far more dire than that and I need you to step up to the plate immediately. Over the last few weeks I have been regularly reading your tweets and if they made up the content of a conversation I had in the pub, I would be giving that guy my number. The rather obvious outcome in terms of my crush is what can only be referred to as an escalation.

I'm terribly sorry and I am in full agreement with your security guys... this needs to stop. I absolutely must be deterred and since you haven't particularly been trying to help me eradicate my crush, I have concluded I simply need to give you more of a reason. To that end, I have a new plea: Think of the children.

Take a moment to really think about the offspring you want. And now, be aware of my genetic contribution.

Our children would be hairy. I understand you are something of a wookie. Well I, as you can see, am also fabulously hirsute.

Our children would be short. Google tells me you are 5'7". I am 5'4". Admittedly, a growth spurt at ten years old made me the tallest girl in school, but I haven't grown an inch since. Do you want your children to reach their vertical maximum before they are even teenaged?

Our children would be bespectacled. Always assuming your glasses aren't just for show - mine are very necessary. I'm -6.5 in both eyes according to my contact lens case and everyone in my family is similarly afflicted.

Our children will be short, hairy and squinty. I've inserted an illustration below (courtesy of this lovely chap here).

If this cannot convince you of the absolute necessity of killing off my interest in you, I can't think what will.

I trust you will now make a sincere effort to repulse me - I suggest you be obnoxious, infantile and something of a dullard.