Monday, 29 April 2013

Josh Groban should be glad

Dear Josh,

It is fairly well documented that I have a large, almost cumbersome, crush on you. It has been my sole1 topic of conversation for a few months now and my friends have recently demonstrated their conviction that I need to get a grip (I agree with them, but they are going to lengths I would never have credited).

While you reside in foreign climes, my friends know you are safe from my advances. Therefore, were you to hole yourself up in one of our many former colonies I would never trouble you. Sadly, your career not only precipitated this idiocy on my part, but it drives you around the globe along a route that is both predetermined and well publicised.

My sister has purchased a ticket for me to attend your concert in Manchester as a birthday present and as it is in the middle of the country (and roughly the start of your UK tour) it leaves me perfectly positioned - possibly precariously, depending on your point of view - to begin considering the possibility of hitch-hiking along behind you.

I did not mention this possibility to my friends.2

Nevertheless, whether from some deep rooted knowledge of the working of my imagination, a suspicion of fear that I may evolve, Pokemon-like, into a flame haired whirlwind of seductive force and lure you, all unwitting, to my den, or simply that I shall never find anything other than you to talk about and they've already had all they can take3, my friends have clubbed together to rescue you from my evil clutches.

They've taken a very simple and direct method of protecting you - immediately following your concert in Manchester I am being taken to the nearest airport and kicked out of the country for a week until you are safely lodged in Ireland.

I believe you owe them some very deep and sincere gratitude - a brave few are even accompanying me to Ibiza where I shall be kept on a secluded beach in their full care and heavily medicated with cocktails until such a time as they deem it safe for me to return. This is a very great sacrifice of their own lives and I feel it should be properly appreciated.

In case you are concerned about my movements prior to your Manchester concert, I am able to reassure you. I will be working on Friday, celebrating the beginning of my week off with an afternoon tea somewhere in Cheltenham (if I can afford it, I may treat myself to The Daffodil, if not it will be Druckers) on Saturday and packing on Sunday. I may go to the cinema on Saturday, but that is not confirmed. At any rate, I will remain firmly implanted in Gloucestershire.

I still recommend you hire a few extra security people for your Manchester concert. If you could arrange to have a couple of Spartan extras positioned near my seat I may even be able to get over you ;-)


1 This may be a fib
2 It is more accurate to state that I made it up to add drama to this part of the blog.
3 I should stop trying to make myself giggle before I lose the main thrust of this post altogether.

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