Monday, 18 March 2013

Following on...

Dear Josh

Last week I requested that you develop a flaw and did not intend to follow that request up with a review of your progress so soon. However, you tweet a *lot* more than I expected you to and I now have sufficient evidence to be able to give an overview of your performance on the Alicia Appreciation Index.

Your first move was to not acknowledge my request. Excellent effort - your commitment to this cause is admirable and it would indeed have been an incredibly offputting response except for one tiny error in your calculations: this isn't a flaw, because any participation I attribute you in this endeavour is wholly imaginary. But, in acknowledgement of the non-existent motives behind your lack of action, I'll award you a -1.2 AA Rating.

Lamentably, your next move was less successful. You live tweeted about cheese which in and of itself I was not too affected by (I thought it was cute, but as this is a regrettably frequent response where you are concerned I have not allowed it to affect your rating). However, the stream included this one post: "She didn't know and offered to take the cheese downstairs again to find out. I then shrieked with a sound previously unknown to me. "no."" How, pray tell, is this supposed to repulse anyone (with the possible exception of the lady in question)? I spent a good few minutes giggling at the mental image of you skittering back into the hotel room, clutching your precious cheese in one hand and tweeting in a grammatically appropriate fashion with the other. +0.6 AA Rating

On the 14th March you celebrated Einstein's birthday, but not Pi day. 0 movement in the AA Index.

However, you did also mention that you love the Beatles. Now this is a complicated one to rate due to my upbringing. I was raised in Liverpool, with three siblings and a stay at home Mum while Dad worked as a teacher. They didn't have money for entertainment things, so they didn't buy much music. Therefore, although I heard from all angles just how important the Beatles were, and how every major occurrence in Liverpool must be in some way in honour of them, their work and their glory throughout my formative years, I didn't consciously hear their music until my mid teens and I was very disappointed.1 However, I'm aware that I cannot possibly judge someone on their taste in music, so I'll just leave it at 0 movement on March 14th.

Let's move quickly on to the 16th of March. Now, this was a day of some startling activity. You stated "Rodman woo's Kim" - excruciating use of the apostrophe there. Definitely offputting! Bravo, and thank you for your aid. -2 AA Rating

Tragically, you failed to capitalise on this success - in less than an hour you used the word "albeit". Correctly. In a tweet. Without the slightest sign that you were showing off. Have you previously seen the picture now positioned (unless you are viewing this on a phone) on the right? - it's not the exact sentiment, but should give you the general gist of my response. There was a dramatic upswing in your AA Rating as a result of that one word. +1.4 AA Rating

You swiftly followed this with two tweets, short sentences only, illustrative of the difference a little punctuation makes. Whether this harked back to your apostrophe disaster or was a standalone joke matters naught, it triggered forgiveness and a subsequent rise in your AA Rating. +0.8

Then followed your political brouhaha. I cannot participate or comment on this2 except to say that I thought you handled what sounds like a lot of negative feedback in a very mature fashion which - especially on the internet - cannot be easy3. Respect pushes your AA Rating higher yet +0.4

Over the course of the week, your rating (using these highly technically calculated numbers and not just arbitrarily selected values) does not appear to have changed at all.

Must try harder
Alicia

1 I would like to be clear that I don't dislike their music. It's very pleasant. Unlike Nirvana which sounds like gravestones falling over (love everything else Dave Grohl has ever done, but not been able to get Nirvana) or Frightened Rabbit which I encountered at a bad time, I can't say I would avoid the Beatles. I just can't get enthusiastic. :/ Possibly if I hadn't been into Iron Maiden, Rage Against the Machine, Queens of the Stone Age, Metallica and Meat Loaf genres (I genuinely can't allocate genre names, but you ought to be able to identify those) I'd have been more receptive.
2 However, I'm totally weighing in on the socialist soup theory - I'm sure a preference for tomato soup (with or without croutons) indicates communist tendencies.
3 Dammit, I was not going to do this! But I interfere with everything, so you'll have to bear with me interfering with you... *ahem* People react strongly when they perceive (accurately or otherwise) that one of their core identifiers is being mocked. And unfortunately they are overly sensitive when their core identifier is potentially, for want of a better word, "threatened". So, in a way it's good that these people apparently see their politics as a core part of them. At least it means they care about more than themselves. That being said, you've chosen a good group to inadvertently antagonise. As I understand it, the majority of your conservatives are actively Christian, no? And therefore are obliged to forgive you. ;)